"I don't have an autographed picture of Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris has an autographed picture of me" (This one is of my own creation, if you use it please give me credit. Loren-Scott "Kody" Beach, aka Wrotne)
An Apple a day drives quality away.
I have half a mind to kill you and the other half agreeing.
God made all men and Winchester made them equal.
"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the rest of the day,
set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"
The log is burning bright and so is the city tonight.
Animals have two important places in today's world, to taste good, and to fit well.
If you were trapped in the artic and starving you would kill a baby seal with
a plastic picnic spoon.
Our friendship came and went and that is why your feet are now in wet cement.
Don't stare at the Sun, He doesn't like it.
Another day, another dollar (I hate sweat shops!)
People like you are the reason people like me need meds...
333, only half evil.
When I snap you'll be the first to go...
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF,all my base are belong to you.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
Love it or shove it
Many think the dead are reaped, I know that they merely sleep.
It's all common sense, but unfortunately common sense isn't all that common.
Fireworks are an art form that uses the night sky as the canvas.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
I like to look at the glass half full, unfortunately it is half full of blood.
Necessity is the mother of Invention, but it's her kid Invention that is the real dangerous one.
"We don't chose who we are, but what are we, other than the sum of our choices?"
I was watching that commercial, y'know the one where it says "You wouldnt steal a car"? Well thats true, I wouldn't. However if a friend said "Hey, I just got a new car, would you like me to burn you a copy? Thats a whole different story."
Money doesn't grow on trees; it's printed in my basement.
Well, the glass was half full, but then the rest evaporated. (Try to find a bright side now optimists!)
It is said that "Home is where the heart is." So I will always have the excuse that I forgot something at home.
Dont waste my time, I like to do that myself.
Our sanity is insane to most people.
But their insanity is what keeps us sane.
Im as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
My life is so boring that sometimes I have to laugh. I may end up insane, but I'll have helluva lot of fun on the way to the asylum!
If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Good friends come and bail you out of jail, but best friends are sitting right there next to you saying "that was awesome!
You're just jealous because the little voices are talking to me.
Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
My wife told me she is like a fine wine; she gets better with age. The next day, I locked her in the cellar.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate much interest.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
The road to success is always under construction.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
If there is a will, there are 500 relatives.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Macintosh.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry, but what I will say is: when I go, they go too.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if Im not in it, I go to work.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
A billion hours ago, human life appeared on earth. A billion minutes ago, Christianity emerged. A billion Coca Colas ago was yesterday morning.
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
The dumber people think I am, the more surprised they're going to be when I kill them.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man tired and dead in the eyes.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a
Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Never drink water - if it can rust iron just imagine what it can do to your stomach.
I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin...
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
You know you're stressed out when you can hear Mimes.
Every time I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.
They say kids brighten the home. That's because they never turn the lights off.
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
If nobodys perfect I must be nobody.
Remember there is no I in team... (But there is an M and an E)
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A penny saved is a government overlook.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.
If ignorance is bliss, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet.
I'm not a complete idiot: some parts are missing.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.
The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.
A life? Cool! Where do I download one of those?
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.
The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is.
"It blows. Hard. With glitter." -Amanda "Shinga" Bussell
"I'm sleeping off all the poor innocent animals I've happily eaten..." -Amanda "Shinga" Bussell